I don't know if I've ever gone a month without writing this blog since committing to making changes in my life. So, I'll take it upon this last day of May to continue to keep my commitment on and off the page. This being the same month, back in 2009, that I signed on. It took that summer to get the courage to post the first poem. Even clearly knowing no one might read it, I hesitated. I think I wrote one or two simple thoughtless entries before that but quickly deleted them. Let that come as no surprise. I've written a great deal throughout my life but unlike some, who allow their thoughts to collect in volumes, I destroyed mine.
From an autobiographical slant, there's very little to read but what you read here. I knew very early on, I was no Anais Nin. I would write to purge but I saw no reason to allow those experiences to continue to exist on paper for very long. It was me working through my own personal chaos. Here, I censor my focus. I've eluded to experiences that were less than wonderful but, as I own more and more what life is really all about for me, reliving the painful is in complete violation to the change I am to create. I've lived the experience. I wanted to write of what the experience had gifted me. It brings me to a huge desire to purge even those moments eluded to or embedded in words I have written since that first poem. To tell a different, better story, will always require releasing the old story. I want none of the negative lingering.
Yes, I will end up editing this entire blog in someway; someway that resonates with the current me, aware of the irony that each post has lead me to that desire. The feeling is similar to the one blog about memories. Let those that serve you stay and release those that don't.
I guess the biggest reason why I want to edit my story is to honor the fact that I created it. It feels empowering. And I need all the empowerment I can get my hands on to now. But giving credit to a villain for my unhappiness or lack of evolution is nothing short of dishonest to me now. The truth is and always will be how much I was given. How much I grew because of them.
To play a broken record: We create the people in our lives through our perceptions of them. In those perceptions, we create beliefs and begin to experience those beliefs in and through the outer world. That's Law of Attraction. When it's good, it can be very, very good. But someone can be completely "wrong" in a belief of another and the Universe will still match their vibe giving them evidence to offer up "proof" nonetheless. I want to own that I create all that is me. I want to nurture my reality. Looking back, how dare I, due to any lack of self-love or self-worth, charge another for what was created? Self is Self. But MySelf does enjoy knowing that others have invited "Us", through their perceptions, into parts of their reality. Even, if "We" are playing or being seen as the bad guy.
To get clear, when I can, most of the time I just ask:
Who am I to you?
One of the best responses came from a young woman I was helping through a serious time: You're like a line of cocaine.
Though her perception threw me a bit, I have to say, I took it as a compliment.
*K. I'm going to totally edit THIS tomorrow. I'm not sure I made any sense. Ha...