Sometimes, as heroic as it is, I forget that I lived through the experience of bringing five children into the world. Three naturally. One with a hit of Demerol. Another with a full blown epidural. The latter two were not for me because in the mix of numbing to literally annihilating the pain, I could not synchronize with the signals my body would have otherwise offered me. Without the contrast of the pain mixed with those glorious moments of relief, I felt lost. The natural births flowed. One moment I'm cradling them deep within me and the next I am cradling them in my arms. With the first, I didn't know. By the last, I was seasoned. Those births took longer. I felt detached. Of course, I adore them nonetheless. I had contemplated this pain late last night. I couldn't sleep having lived a painful day which I now see was a necessary way to perceive it. I guess I'm a slow learner but it is a lesson for me in understanding how important it is to embrace pain and master it as you move through the expansion of giving your gifts to the world.
I know it shouldn't matter but I hope someday to be forgiven for wanting more of me to manifest. It's painful not to expand. I know I've caused pain in following my heart. "They" always say, Follow Your Heart but translated that often means as long as it doesn't injure mine. I know I can't always be the 'nice' guy. I know I'm a recovering People-Pleaser and no one that you've been pleasing enjoys your new found sense of Self. Particularly, if you are enjoying your new found sense of Self. I know others see through the lens of their created perceptions. Of which, I have little control except to remove my eyes from their creation of me.
While in bed thinking, it comes to me that maybe I've been giving birth to myself with a little too much painkiller. Maybe I've not been appreciating the contrast of pain in quite the way I've need to. Not as a means of struggle or bondage but as a wave of intense knowing that contracts around me pressing out the best in me. I haven't been trusting myself or my talents. I know the generous nature of abundance and the Universe's not only willingness but its delight in providing that I am taking a calm, deep breath and giving birth to true freedom. And I will absolutely enjoy the labor.
*Note: Part of this blog has been edited because a friend (who loves me very much) thinks I should have taken care of myself and my property rather than letting things just BE As-They-Were on all subjects this day. BUT, I think there is perfection in imperfection (both in myself and now in my things). This is my learning process. Yet, I've edited with freewill. I want to avoid dark thoughts as much as possible. So, I freed them to flee. :) It feels good. That's enough for me.