Missing While Giving
In her haunting tune "One Blood," Virgo singer Lila Downs confesses that "the deepest fear [is] my desire." I personally know many Virgos who make a similar lament. How about you? Is there any way in which you are scared of the power of your longing? Do you ever find yourself reluctant to unleash the full force of your passion, worried that it could drive you out of control or lead you astray? If so, the coming weeks will be prime time to face down your misgivings.* It's time to liberate your desires, at least a little. ~ Rob!
I have let go of longing. Longing is a powerful and painful force riveted with lack and in it holds the essence of some other time when there is only Now. But I remember this woman very well. And I remember the choice of feeling powerless in creating those things I wished to happen in my life. I am still reluctant to unleash the full force of my passion, though. Not because of losing control or being lead astray but, because, I do question myself. And self-doubt is a habit like any other. All of which, take time to break. But I'm on a roll when it comes to 'letting go' and 'allowing in' so I'm hopeful that some unleashing is in my future. But Me is not what this blog is about.
This blog is still about desire which has been on my mind since the last post as it is the pathway that I came to Be. Granted, my parent's marriage wasn't a "match made in heaven". Dad had a great deal of desire for a great many woman. This is not an accusation merely an observation. But I know he had loved one young woman deeply. And she loved him in return. I'll never forget her name. It was Penny. They were in high school together. Penny knew she would never get the approval of her father, a well respect attorney in town, so they found ways to be together. Then my dad enlisted in the Army (Airborne) right before graduation when Penny denied his hand in marriage. Maybe her deepest fear was her desire for him. I wonder if she was a Virgo?
I came into awareness of Penny when I was 15 and not quite the season driver. There was a game my parents played that, after seeing my mother so distraught, I took on. It was him taking off and she calling all the bars to locate him. They had the dance down until hours of absences turned into days, weeks then eventually months. He was always escaping and it always revolved around three things: His paycheck, alcohol and other women. In this part of my timeline, he was only being swept away into the hours. My mother was working and I was babysitting at home. It was the middle of an afternoon during the summer. She called me telling me she couldn't find him. I rang all the typical numbers of all the local bars. Most knew my voice well and, though sympathetic, unhelpful. Sometimes I couldn't locate him. This day, I did. The barmaid said to come get him. Mom could not take off work. So, I went and picked him up at the bar. I was a nervous wreck but I did not wreck. Kudos to me. I walked into the bar and with the help of a couple of strangers, I got him in the car.
When I pulled into the drive, he became present to the situation. My under-aged daughter just drove my drunk ass home on a lovely Saturday afternoon when she should have been doing something more age appropriate. With that acknowledgment, he told the story of Penny and him. I think he thought he owed me an explanation. He had a picture of her in his wallet. Their story was not the only story he told me that day. As I sat in the driveway and listened, I met Richard. They were buddies together in the 82 Infantry. His soul-brother on the ground in the Dominican Republic. Which would become the ground my father crossed with Richard across his back bleeding to death from a chest wound. He carried a picture of him, too. As an apology, he was sharing with me the huge loses that defined the powerful longings that he buried deep under a sea of alcohol.
Even now, it remains the sincerest, most bittersweet apology I have ever been blessed to have been offered.
*Misgivings -- are feelings of doubt or uncertainty about a decision or an action. ~McGraw-Hill