Set to travel to one of my favorite places, I actually made an effort to avoid packing at the last minute, to have many for-granted-taking details attended to AND to get a decent night's sleep only to be told, upon arriving at the terminal, the airports in NYC had been closed due to a pretty fancy blizzard blowing over this beloved city at that very moment. I was bummed OUT and would have remained so had I not been given an offer to fly into New Jersey. I immediately cheered up because I thought life can't get any worse than getting stuck in Newark. So I declined and went shopping. I'm being too hard on Newark. I've been there only once to attend a two-week training session in Applied Behavioral Analysis. Basically, I lived in a hotel for 14 days with three other women. Though hot plates were not allowed they were present in the room...as was Top Romen. In fairness to Newark and to the money I put out for the coursework, behaviorally, it might be said that I'm associating my distaste for Newark with my actual distaste for Top Romen. As long as it's not literal, I'll buy that.
Anyway, I had an epiphany in the airport! I ramble, I preach, I write, I even sleep a belief in the Law of Attraction. But if complete understanding is a solid sphere, I am a hollow satellite orbiting it. Not completely hollow because with each rotation, I fill up a little more and a little more hoping, one day, to get so dense I fall from the sky and make a massive crater with my understanding. I added weight that day in the airport when I heard my thought interrupting the agent who was telling me the news. That thought was, I knew this would happen.
I didn't judge myself but I realized it was a default thought. A thought I have not mastered releasing. It is a thought I have cultivated from my very early on. Yes, the evidence is overwhelming. It was apart of me when I tried to vainly put a stamp on the bill that I had to mail before I left. It danced with me when I looked all over the house for my other black boot. It was humming to me right before I'd doze off, wake up and doze off again. It was just slipping in here and there. I don't know how others handle an epiphany but I silently laugh at myself. I got it and I hugged the flight agent because I could tell she felt the need to mother me a little. It felt good. She sent me off with an Everything's going to be fine, Sweetheart, you didn't wanna get stuck in snow any-which-way.
Of course, I didn't cause a blizzard in NYC. My sister flew in the day before without grief. I could have, too. Yet, I wanted to be home with my children a day more...and there was a part of me that didn't want to be away from them at all.