aka What I want to be remembered for...
My friend interviewed me shortly after recouping from exposing myself for the sake of a college education (i.e. a "scholarship" pageant). Yes, I'm referring to the Swimsuit Competition. I'm modest by nature and I truly admire a woman that can express confidence through her physicality. She is not me. So, stepping out in heels and a bathing suit was as frightening as anything I had ever done to that point. It was a real challenge. I remember being center stage, allowing myself to be scrutinized and asking myself, Why am I here? Shortly after securing the scholarship, my friend asked me what I saw myself doing with my life. Fair question. Scholarship meant college. College meant career. I told him the first thing that came mind: I'm going to spending 50 years living life and 10 years writing about it. Could I have given him a more ambiguous answer? There I was back to, Why am I here and why did I just let someone spray glue my ass?*
In truth, I've lived a life of Am I? instead of I Am!! A life of questioning based in fear and insecurity. That is nothing short of one in which you hear a calling and you turn away from it. When you have an answer and you twist it back into a question. You feel a knowing in your chest and you dismiss it as heartburn, or worse, heartache. It is the deepest disconnection from Self. It's putting you out there in the vulnerable state of believing you are alone on the stage, stripped and unworthy when, in fact, you are the audience, the judge and the contestant. And then, when you feel the connection, you have the beautiful realization that it's not a contest at all; it's a story and you're writing it.
I don't have to be remembered for anything.
I want to be the one remembering.
*Necessary to avoid "ride-ups' aka wedgies.