Sign Of the Time

Wolf Brand Chillin'

I am not all surprised when I went searching for a picture to link to those three words above that I would be met with serendipity in the form of an obituary. When my best friend in college passed away she was 22. Before her death, she was simply, amazingly alive. Everything I wasn't, she was. Outgoing, the good kind of ridiculous, and in every breath so full of love and life. In meeting her, I met parts of myself. It was surreal to be standing next to her casket in utter silence. I felt all alone in the room until her mother came in and when she held me there was nothing in me capable of stopping the sadness. Nothing. I could not imagine her loss. I could not imagine mine but there it was swathed in silk and gold and peace.

Our very first conversation went a little lovingly like this:

Her: What are you looking at, Bitch?
Me: Nothing, Asshole.

My friend's laughter ensued. Apparently, I was not convincing. She made me say it again with conviction. I did and, frankly, it felt satisfying. We bonded. She was from Venezuela and had gone to military school in the Louisiana. She loved Mardi Gras and neatly folded towels. She was a notorious liar but in a good way. Mostly harmless and often a stream of consciousness that if you paid close enough attention you could easily follow and join in on. She found it hysterical that I was the local Miss __________. My family was poor and living in another state when I chose to enter and won a decent scholarship through a well know pageant organization. I was still on my tour-of-duty when we met. She was right, it was hysterical. Seriously, how many times can you sing to creepy old men in funny hats?*

Her: Lion's Club, again?
Me: Rotary.

One of her main goals in life, after meeting me, was to get me stoned. She wanted Miss Could You Sing That Again to sing some high notes. I reminded her I was an Alto and faithfully continued to engaged in goodness until the day came when I handed it all off to Mindy SomethingOrAnother.

Her: Let's celebrate! I made you brownies.
Me: OH! You shouldn't have!

Knowing how much I loved chocolate, my friend made me a big batch. How thoughtful of her, literally. They were so delicious. I couldn't get enough. And every time I told her that, I thought she was going to pee her pants. Then they were gone. Looking back, I recall only my own stream of consciousness flooding with bowls, spoons, pans and ripping labels off of Wolf Brand Chili cans. We were staying with a friend whose dad had recently divorced and was gone often to meet up with potential wives. He had left behind a stocked pantry, a set of car keys, a roll of cash...and a can opener. And so, we ate.

In spite of the shadiness of that night, my friend's heart was pure. Happiness was her modus operandi something very foreign to me at the time. I didn't laugh much and I worried often. As a seeming caregiver since birth, I had no context for someone like her, a free spirit moving through the world. I had never laughed so hard, so often than when I was in her presence. And I learned how to fold a towel with precision.

After her death, and what would later be reinforced by my grandmother's red balloons, I learned that it was alright to expect to be met with serendipity. So, not surprising, for months after her death, I began to see Wolf Brand Chili cans everywhere! Just a few examples:

In a cabinet at the hair salon amongst shampoos and conditioners.

In the back of an old flatbed truck pulling up next to me at a stoplight.

Sitting solo atop a pile of cans collected for a food drive.

In the library next to a loaf of bread (forgive me bread, if I missed your significance :)

But...

the strangest one was the best one...

In the days before cell phones and GPS (unfathomable, I know), I was lost on a lone Texas highway. I didn't have a map, honestly, it wouldn't have helped. I'm bad with directions. I was getting nervous because I was low on fuel, I had my little 18 month old with me and the sun was beginning to set. Feeling desperate, I asked for a sign. I got one about a mile up the road. Out in the middle of nowhere was a large Wolf Brand Chili sign. And this is what it said. Beneath it was a more rustic sign giving direction to a local diner serving the steamy stuff and a little petrol.



Like my friend, my days of Wolf Brand Chili have also been laid to rest but I know somewhere between this world and the next my friend continues to encourage me to be bold and feisty.

*Admittedly, not all of them were creepy nor did all of them wear hats but there is truth in the saying that one bad bean can spoil the stew...well, you know what I mean.

No Excuses

Tell everyone you know: "My happiness depends on me, so you're off the hook." And then demonstrate it. Be happy, no matter what they're doing. Practice feeling good, no matter what. And before you know it, you will not give anyone else responsibility for the way you feel—and then, you'll love them all. Because the only reason you don't love them, is because you're using them as your excuse to not feel good. ~Abraham Hicks

I love to people watch but sometimes I forget to watch myself. Luckily, with as many daughters as I have, mirrors are everywhere. The other day, I caught a glimpse of myself falling prey to maliciousness. And, trust me, there is nothing I respond to more quickly that someone putting up a boundary of judgment. Yes. Sad Face. It comes from years of judging myself. With a propensity as a perfectionist, imagine how often I have felt failure.

I watched myself surrender a doorway for another to come in and manipulate and expose apart of my private life publicly. It was scandalous...well, no sex, no drugs...wow...not even a little rock-n-roll was involved...perhaps scandalous is an exaggeration but the manipulation was epically tabloidian in nature. It left me with very confused feelings. Not about the other person but about myself. I had a moment of self-doubt about all this professed surrendering.

I spoke of it in the last blog, writing, of how with each effort to do that, the higher good is served. Well, turns out my "truth" prevailed. Being a private person, the Universe saw fit to offer up revelations about my relationship with this person that I am not readily inclined to share. Because I know we each create our own reality, what will come back to me for refinement is the cause of creating a space to surrender the doorway in the first place.

Ah, the journey.

Beyond the love and support of so many who felt the injustice of what went down, I felt the joy. I felt the wonderment of the big picture as I could literally see the unfolding*. I felt the love of a massive Universe saying, We Got This. I'm trusting in happiness by learning to surrender to it.

Yes, that person blessed me. They're off the hook.



* The scandal had to do with daughters, laundry & excess so everyone else could see the 'unfolding', too. Giggle.

I love my life.

UPDATE:
"Because I know we each create our own reality, what will come back to me for refinement is the cause of creating a space to surrender the doorway in the first place." ...so soon? Round 2....or is this 3...maybe 4....doesn't matter. What matters is my happiness.

Happy Birthday Audrey

What have you had to relinquish in the past ten months, Virgo? What were you forced to sacrifice or surrender? Whatever it is, I predict you will be compensated for it over the course of the next 12 months. And the process begins soon. It's not likely that the incoming blessing will bring an exact replacement for the dream that got away. Rather, you will be awakened to an unexpected new source of excitement, thereby dissolving the lingering sense of loss and liberating you to rise again. ~Vir-a-GoGo

May 17th wraps 10 months* of being what was so scandalously known back in the day as a divorcée! My friend actually used the word while we were chatting over tea and coffee one morning. We laughed when I came up with the idea of going as one circa 1960 for Halloween. By the time that Tricky Eve arrived my costume had ended up morphing into Audrey Hepburn w/Bini boots. Yes, one makes due though there is a part of me that thinks Holly would have gone lightly on me.

I have no expectations for the next 12 months. Frankly, I don't have any for the next 12 minutes but I have set some rather beautiful intentions for myself and for those I love. The last 10 months have brought significant changes. I have most definitely learned to surrender. Not in the sense above but rather taking surrendering as a means to nurture joy. Allowing any and all things that impede joy to be gifted to The Greater Power to be transform and returned to serve the higher good. That's true surrendering...and it takes practice. More than that it takes faith but I love Joseph Campbell's take on it:

I don't have to have faith, I have experience.

I so get him now. I was not forced to sacrifice but rather I chose to surrender. As a result, I have been witness to some powerful and loving transformations of everyone involved. That transformation is serving our collective higher good. It's a process. A journey. Dreams did not get away. Dreams were freed to grow.




* I stand corrected. I've been reminded that I'm off in my calculations. I've never professed to be good at numbers. Or relationships. Or blogging past my bedtime.